


let me out

by markisms



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anyways, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, im back ! to umm project
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 23:30:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20536427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markisms/pseuds/markisms
Summary: Jeno shifts lower into his chair, trying to escape Jaemin’s piercing gaze. “I know I’m…..a lot? to deal with sometimes,” he says quietly. “I don’t,” he continues, “I don’t want you to feel like you have to stick around with me.”





	let me out

**Author's Note:**

> (title comes from a jonghyun song) 
> 
> hiii okay before we get into this i just wanted to say that these are my personal experiences with ocd - i dont think this even scratches the surface of what living with ocd feels like, as it's quite difficult to put into words and my own writing abilities are rather abysmal but! i tried my best to portray the frustration that i feel and the way it makes just Living very complex but . anyways. sorry for rambling i just wanted to clarify that i don't mean to speak for other people with ocd...i just wanted to Try to explain how it is for Me.

Jeno feels the itch in his mind before he’s even had the chance to out his lunch down.

_ Move move move can't sit here move move _

_ Ah fuck, here we go again. _ He sighs, picking the McDonald’s bag back up and nudges Jaemin in the shoulder. 

“Nana,” he starts, guilt bleeding into his voice, “Can we find another table?” 

_ Move move move not here can't sit here _

Jaemin looks at him with understanding eyes, and grabs his things without questioning why. They've been friends long enough for him to know. 

“Let's go,” he says with the hint of a smile. It’s what Jeno needs, and he’s grateful for it. It's bad enough he made him get up during the lunch rush after looking for ages to find a table and he had already settled. It’d be even worse if he was upset. But that's not Jaemin; that'd never be Jaemin. He understands. 

They look around the food court a little, until they find another table. Jeno sits down first, waiting to see if he gets another nagging voice in his head that _ no, no way, there's no way you can sit here. _ It doesn't come. He thanks whatever higher power might be looking out for him, and turns to Jaemin with a smile. 

“We’re good.” 

Jaemin whoops and gives him a high-five, setting his things down across from Jeno and settling in. It's nice. He gets it. It doesn't make things weird. Not with Jaemin. 

“So, how’s your day been so far?”

“Not too bad, I had a quiz in geology and a group activity in bio, no big deal.” He laughs at the face Jaemin made at his mentioning of geology, a cross between a sneer and a grimace, and adds “You know Nana, most people consider geology to be a real science.”

“Not _ me,” _ he says, “Who cares about rocks? They aren't even _ real, _ Jeno.”

-

Jaemin and Jeno have been friends for a long time. Long enough for Jaemin to know that most of Jeno’s quirks aren't rational. Like when Jeno tells him he _ needs _ him to answer the same question a few times, he _ needs _ to be told again that he's not a bad person for simply existing, that he needs to be reassured again and again and again, Jaemin doesn't question it. He just does it. 

Jeno can't confide some of the things he’s forced to think to anyone, the fear of judgement too great for him to risk. Even when he knows that they aren't his fault, he can't shake off the guilt that comes with them. _ What kind of person thinks like that? I don't want any of this. Stop putting thoughts into my head._ When Jaemin sees the tension in Jeno’s shoulders, he doesn't pry. He knows his limits. And when Jeno has the tired look in his eyes that comes from combating intrusive thoughts for hours on end, Jaemin gives him a warm smile and tries his best to be there for his friend. 

-

“Jeno, you’re doing it again.”

“Huh?”

“You're doing it? You told me to remind you the next time I notice.”

“Oh yeah.” Jeno flattens his palms against the hard plastic of the chair and sits on them. He’d been running his hands through his hair, feeling for any inconsistencies with the texture of his scalp. _ My life is a fuck, _ he thinks as he fights the urge to start again. _ A Total Fuck. _ He could feel the nagging starting. 

_ What if it isn't smooth what if it isn't smooth what if it isn't smooth what if – _

“Jeno?” Jaemin looks at him, gaze piercing. He lifted his hand from where it was in his lap and puts in on their shared lunch table. “Hold my hand.”

Jeno feels the wind get knocked out of his lungs. He wants him to do what? Is it because he feels bad for him? Can he tell that Jeno’s sitting in his chair losing it? Is that why he asked? 

“Unless you don't want to,” Jaemin starts again, more quietly this time, eyes downcast, a crease forming between his eyebrows.

“No, no, I do.” He does, he definitely does. In fact, there are few things he can think of that he’d rather do more. On the list of Things Lee Jeno Wants To Do, holding Jaemin’s hand is in the top three items. He reaches over, avoiding eye contact, and intertwines their fingers. He feels his face warming up, the rush of his blood under his skin distracting him from the nagging in his head. 

He just didn't think Jaemin wanted to hold _ his _ hand too. 

-

Sometimes, late at night, Jeno lays in bed and prays out loud. It's the only way he can be sure one of the Bad Things won't sneak it's way into his requests for God, putting everyone in his life at risk due to his own inability to control his thoughts. 

“Please keep everyone safe.” He says. Deep breath. Repeat three times. If he doesn't, one day someone will die. And it will be his fault.

He has a new one to add today. 

_ Please let him like me back._ He holds his breath; focuses. He brings everything in his head to a standstill, and enjoys the millisecond of silence he gets before the thoughts come rushing back in. 

“Please let him like me back.”

-

Jeno and Jaemin spend the majority of their weekends lounging in Jaemin’s dorm, both squished into his twin-sized mattress watching Buzzfeed Unsolved videos on a laptop. Jeno doesn’t mind this. It’s safe. It’s normal. What isn’t normal is the way Jaemin’s hand found his the moment he got into bed, making Jeno’s heart beat faster than he would’ve thought possible, and distracting him from Anything Going On That Isn’t Jaemin’s Hand In His. 

He’s brought back to the present when Jaemin nudges him in the shoulder, turning his head to look at him, his lower lip jutting out into a pout. 

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Um...No? Sorry,” Jeno answers back, eyes wide, having been caught zoning out.

“I was asking if you want to watch another,” he says, rolling his eyes. “What’s got you stuck in your head anyways? You didn't laugh at any of Shane’s jokes. Spill.”

Under normal circumstances, Jeno wouldn’t hesitate to tell Jaemin what he was thinking about that was preventing him from giving Jaemin his undivided attention. It’s their time, he wants to be in the moment, basking in the comfort of Jaemin’s presence. It’s grounding and keeps Jeno, someone who’s often struggling to escape the confines of his mind, in the moment. 

But how exactly is he supposed to explain to Jaemin that the thing freaking him out is himself? That’s out of the question. No, no, absolutely No telling Jaemin about the small crush Jeno has on him. It’s fine, he’ll get over it. He has to or he might explode? He really has no choice. Him and Jaemin are too close for him to risk ruining a friendship over. No one understands him like Jaemin does. There’s no pressure from Jamin like there is from other people. Jeno doesn’t even know how to verbalize how much that means to him. When he lacks the words to explain what he’s going through, there is nothing as consoling as someone giving you the space to figure things out and be a support to lean on. It’s difficult to explain that _ yeah, sorry, my mind is a prison and something so irrational and inconsequential is bothering me to the point where I can no longer function as a human being. _ But Jaemin doesn’t ever ask him for an explanation. He’s always just there. 

“I’m just thinking about my lab report,” he starts vaguely, remembering that he’d been asked a question “It’s not due for a while but I’m planning it out in my head.”

“Okay well,” Jaemin starts, shifting closer into Jeno’s side, and resting his head on his shoulder, “Plan later. This is Jeno-Jaemin Buzzfeed Unsolved time.” He squeezes his hand.

“Okay.” Jeno says, heart rate picking up again, trying to force his body to untense. He needs to get over this crush, and fast. So he doesn’t go into cardiac arrest and die. 

-

Jeno takes a deep breath. _ It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s gonna be fine. Relax. _ He feels his own voice getting drowned out by the noise in his head, and starts to lose his grip on the composure he was trying to keep. 

_ Terrible you’re terrible you have no morals you don’t deserve anything you’ve been given _

He doesn’t need to feel guilty, he doesn’t need to feel bad. He hasn’t even done anything to merit those emotions. But it’s too late, he’s already lost – once he gives in to his panic, even just a little, there’s no going back. If he entertains any of his thoughts in the slightest, it’s over. He feels his grip on reality slip like grains of sand between his fingers.

He stands up.

He needs to throw everything away. It all has to go. Material things don’t even hold much value in Jeno’s eyes, it’s not a big deal that he’s tossing them out. The alternative – keeping them – that would be worse. He can’t do it. He feels awful. He feels so, _ so bad. _ And _ uncomfortable. _ He breathes in again, and starts to move around his dorm room, picking up things and testing how they make him feel, collecting the ones that unsettle him in a bag. He feels a sickness settle in his stomach. This should be making him feel better; he’s giving in. But instead he feels worse. _ Weak. _

-

“Nana, why are you friends with me?” Jeno inquires one day while they're sitting in the library working on their respective assignments. 

“Jeno, what?” Jaemin says as he looks up from his laptop, eyebrows knitting together and voice laced with concern. “Why would you ask that?”

Jeno shifts lower into his chair, trying to escape Jaemin’s piercing gaze. “I know I’m…..a lot? to deal with sometimes,” he says quietly. “I don’t,” he continues, “I don’t want you to feel like you have to stick around with me.” 

Jaemin reaches across the table and grabs his hand again. Like last time. And Jeno will remember the way Jaemin speaks to him with such conviction that it makes his heart flutter. 

“Jeno, I’m friends with you because I genuinely love you.” He gives Jeno’s hand a squeeze, and looks Jeno in the eyes before continuing, “I enjoy being friends with you. I can say it again if you want. I. Love. Lee. Jeno.I don't know what I need to do to make you see it. I want you to see it.”

The way Jaemin says it makes him feel like he can start to believe it.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
